She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
