my mouth tastes like poor choices
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry about my life...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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