he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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