I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
