They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
