Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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