you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
