My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
