i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
