The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
