I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
