I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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