Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
