your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
