so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
