before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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