Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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