...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
