Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
