No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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