we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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