I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
MIDGETS
????
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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