Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
