I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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