Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
