I faked an abortion last night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he had hair everywhere except his balls
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
