If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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