She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
