Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
