the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
