Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
