I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
