yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
