Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and she was petting her beer can
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
