On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
