Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
