I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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