I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
