Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
