sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
