I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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