i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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