All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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