I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
