Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
