do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
