could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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