she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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