I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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