Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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